we are never allowed…
to say the name of someone we haven’t seen in a while and who we do NOT want to see…. We passed George’s house the other night (a vendor who brings up furniture to sell… odd man who says things to me like… “you look tense, you need to get laid” and is just creepy and slimy. He’s his 60′s and has his ear pierced and a long, very long macho mustache…. so suave, dontcha think?) and I said aloud, “isn’t that George’s house? Oh great, now that we’ve said his name, he’ll show up.” Giggle giggle… little did I know who was about to grace us with his mustache.
George just came in… He revealed to me that he’s been in jail and that’s why we hadn’t seen him… he told me not to tell anyone the “morbid details”. Ummm… sure, but… I just did! 
He’s a gypsy. He sniffs out bargains, will buy crap in bulk if it’s a good deal. Thinks everything has value if you hold onto it long enough, drives all over the country loading up on knick knacks and making deals. He’s odd, disgusting… but deep down, we’re kin… minus the wanting to sleep with young girls thing. But, the bottom line is… if you do NOT want to see someone, do not say their name. Having a store multiplies this law of nature. I will revisit this theory later.
I did some number crunching and depressed the hell out of myself. Turns out I’m making approximately $1.75 per hour by working here. I’ve taken home roughly $10,000 over the course of 3 years. I’m living the dream!! “Where do I sign up!?” you ask… well, I can help you… just take my hand and keep on reading.
A reality check of sorts…
Not only have I made $1.75, but on paper it says I took home more. (There was a “profit” and someone had to claim it). I had to pay income tax on money I didn’t see. Which is really strange? I need a new tax guy.
In the hopes that I can turn this around I started making subtle changes to how I run the business. A few mark-ups here, less discounts there… for example. Since gift wrap is a huge expense, I decided to start charging for gift wrap to offset the cost… not to make money on it, just to offset it a bit. But you’d think I was clubbing baby seals judging by the reactions of some of my customers.
I have a sign up saying we’ll have to charge a nominal fee of $1.00 for wrapping, but only on items under $15. This sounds fair, right? When you go to Macy’s or Old Navy you PAY for a freaking box, let alone wrap with a big bow. These ladies are having a fit. “Well I guess I shouldn’t ask for a bow now if THAT is going to cost a DOLLAR! Is THIS considered wrapping (pointing to tissue I used to pad an ornament), do I have to pay for THIS??” Everyone has an opinion and dog-gone-it, they’re gonna tell you! Really what I was trying to avoid was the wrapping of dozens of items that cost less than the gift wrap. Like the story to follow…
Customer came in today and purchases 20 little bath pouf thingies. They are 89 cents each. She then proceeds to ask me to gift wrap them in “substantial” gift bags because they are going to be favors at a church bazaar thing. I offer her a clear cello bag with a sticker. “No, these are supposed to be PRESENTS. They need to look bigger than they are. Besides, this is free advertising for you, you’d be a fool not to take this opportunity.” I like it when people tell me what to do and what I’ll be if I don’t listen to them. Where would I be without the guidance of strangers??!
I’m not a math wiz, but… let me show you how this breaks down so the insanity will be crystal clear:
Bath Pouf – 89 cents. My cost 45 cents. That’s 44 cents profit.
Gift bag + tissue + ribbon + sticker = .33+.10+.15+.05 = 63 cents each to wrap
She’s paying with a credit card. That’s 25 cents plus 2.5% off the top.
Let’s see how this all comes out:
20 poufs x .89 = 17.80 + tax = $19.27
using credit card (19.27 x 2.5%) = .48 + .25 swipe fee = 73 cents in fees
So, $19.27 (total I took from her)
Minus $1.59 (to tax)
Minus $0.73 (credit card processing fees)
Minus $9.00 (cost of poufs)
Minus $12.60 (cost of gift wrap)
equals this transaction COSTING me $4.65.
Do you think I got any business from this transaction?? Nope. But, yes, yes I did it and didn’t charge her extra or argue. I was a good little obedient little elf. I feel like a schmuck for giving into her demands but involve “the church” or the baby Jesus and I can’t say no. I’ll go to hell.
That reminds me of two other stories…
But, in the end of the wrapping saga, what I did was this. I went from premium boxes, tissue, ribbon and gift bags to the cheaper, less exciting versions. I really cut corners instead of raising prices. For the super special people I brought out the fancy gift wrap, but the cheapskates got satin and kraft paper. Dammit.