I have managed to:

1. Issue a coupon that doesn’t say “one per customer” and the same lady is buying a bunch of merchandise at 40% off that I just went downtown and bought. Walking about 1/2 a mile in the mist with a bag of merchandise with my muscles spasming… all so she could get it at cost. I’m such an idiot.
2. Drive out of the airport with my parking brake on… it sounds like I have a flat… I drive blocks with my hazards on while crying that I’m going to be late for work, have to deal with the car etc. (It’s a new-ish car)
3. Because of the airport drive and mishap… I missed my shower this morning… I underestimated how much time it would take to go to the airport.

For a few weeks, and all of last December, I had carafes of coffee out for customers… I didn’t have time to stop at starbucks today… someone brought in their commuter mug and said…”I thought you would have coffee!?” with a sour face and threaded plastic lid in their hand…

“Wrap this $3.00 ornament”… breakdown… I make $1.50 on that $3.00 ornament. The bag costs me .30 cents, tissue .25 cents and the bow… about .25 cents. That’s 80 cents. So, that $1.50 profit turns into 70 cents profit. OH, you are paying with a credit card? Let’s now call that 45 cents profit. Thanks SO much for your business!!!

FU*K. I want to close. Who can I pay to come in and clean this up for me? I’m dreading the paperwork, cleaning, packing and thought that someone else will come in… but… if I can’t make it… nobody can. And fu*k you for thinking I’m being cocky. Sure, I had cash flow issues… but I sort of kick ass in the work department and stay dedicated when I need to be. You may think this is your fault but it’s not.

both days for the slime to come out… I really shouldn’t complain… but the stress level from all of this is driving me nuts. The bookkeeper was here today and witness to some of the b.s. I get… I could tell it really annoyed her how I was talked to. I explained to her that it was a daily occurrence and I’ve just had to build a thicker skin and put up with it all. I guess the worst part is that it’s so petty. They think that they can nickel and dime me about nothing and I should just deal with it… it doesn’t bother me on an individual basis, but add it up and the big collection of shit that has now become a 3-ton ball really gets to me.

I’ve been having major stomach issues. I’m nauseous all the time and it’s been getting worse and worse… I know it’s stress… money issues, the shop… everything that I worry about… I want to ignore it… think positively and find a way to cure it myself. Mild food, liquid diet, something… I want to figure this out on my own, I don’t want a slew of tests that are invasive and embarrassing. Dark blood is involved and that would mean an ulcer.

currently, there are 2 elderly ladies in here complaining that they thought this shopping trip was going to be easy, they could run in and grab something and go… I just talked to them and they were more understanding than I give them credit for.

Here’s my rant for today after a series of mishaps (btw, I’m talking to myself and/or these theoretic customers… when I say “YOU”, I mean “ME” in item #1):

1. Charity or no charity, you aren’t getting that item for free. There are a million charities and churches out there and if they all got discounts, YOU would be the charity case. YOU are in business to make a living, not pay interest for the rest of your life. Screw them, you don’t need their business… I don’t give a you-know-what who you are… the pope could ask for a f-ing discount on a bath pouf and I wouldn’t do it. YOU need to feed YOUR family, screw them.
2. No soliciting. I will never buy from you, don’t try, don’t approach my customers, put the item away, you are wasting your time. If I want something, I go and look for it, besides, your items are crap and I can get them at a better price than that downtown. Why would I give you money and encourage you to come back? I will not give anyone who walks in that door unannounced a dime. Even announced, leave me alone. I go to the gift show like everyone else. This is the time I order, this is the time I budget for the year and I don’t need anything right now. You can mail me a catalog and I’ll keep it on file, but I only order twice a year and I’ll let YOU know.
3. This is not gymboree. Your kids are annoying me. Don’t let them play in the bathroom, or with the sand in the display… whatever. I will discipline them because someone has to, and it isn’t you. What are you going to tell your friends? “She yelled at my poopsie-kins!” Well, those friends probably know your kids are shits and will respect me even more!
4. You have to like the store and buy from it because you enjoy it here, not because I gave you advice on how to deal with your mother in law. The business will go NOWHERE if I HAVE to be here to relay my thoughts on your ex-husband’s cancer. We set things up pretty, you may or may not want something, but my speeches aren’t always included. Pay for a shrink, leave me out of it.
5. I can’t break a hundred dollar bill, sorry. I never have change and I’ve had a few bad ones so $100′s are a no-no. and traveler’s cheques? HELLNO. I’m not a victim, I’m not a target… I’m not scared of you, I don’t need your money. NO NO NO.
6. Honestly, practice saying “NO”. It will do wonders.
7. No consignment. None. zero. zilch. I don’t care if you are my missing twin sister, f the f off. (I do have exceptions… but the second it becomes an issue, done)
8. You don’t really need my help as you wander around shopping… do they do that at target?? “I need a gift, can you be my personal shopper?” I should call Nordstroms and ask about that. What is their policy?

The end.

just so I can get this out and let it go because it’s so f’ing petty…

AB-annoying broad with tightest bun I’ve ever seen
ME – duh

AB- “that flag is certainly effective! It brought me right in here! I made a U-turn and came back up! Do you sell that flag?”
ME- “thanks so much for stopping! We don’t have that flag but either store A or B down the street might have it”
AB – “Oh, I’ll have to go look… but I’ll look around here first! It’s darling! My name is Dorothy, what’s yours?”
ME – “uhhh… I’m Agnes… good to meet you”
AB – “You know, I serve up at st. dumb catholic church. We have a 10:30 mass, you should come!”
ME – nervous laughter
AB – Looks around… idle chit chat. Then she stops and picks up a pair of scissors I have sitting on a stepladder. (They are in the tool-caddy thing. It’s out of the way and I’m still working on a display, but it WAS on the showroom floor) *waving scissors pointy sides out furiously* “You know, I used to be a chaplain at a prison and you really shouldn’t have these lying around, it’s VERY DANGEROUS… wouldn’t you agree with me?!?!!!” She said… eyes bugging out.
ME – getting really angry… smiles and does the “so-so” gesture with my hand while saying… “uhhh….wellll ”
AB – Very annoyed with me now… says a few things and leaves.

Lame lame lame I know… but go back under that rock you crawled out from under. UGH. Okay, I can return to my happy manic mood now.

It’s very hard to explain just why they are so annoying. They remind me of Grimace, the large purple gumdrop-looking dopey mcdonald’s character. After looking it up on Wikipedia, it sort of suits them perfectly:

Grimace is a large, purple anthropomorphic being of the “wumpus” species with short arms and legs. One alternative theory is that Grimace is a large, walking, talking taste-bud[citation needed]. He is known for his slow-witted demeanor. His most common expression is the word “duh”. He was referred to as Ronald’s autistic friend on an episode of Family Guy. Originally, Grimace was the “Evil Grimace”, with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the “good guys”, and his number of arms was reduced by two. Commercials and merchandise generally portrayed him as a well-meaning simpleton, whose clumsy antics provided a comic foil to Ronald McDonald. The character was retained after the streamlining of the characters in the ’80s.

Is it their lack of personal space? The sheer size of the entire group? The lack of a sound or opinion filter? The fact that the adults take out credit cards in their teenagers’ names and max them out? The fact that they have latched onto a local church and get all of their needs from the church goers? Rent, jobs, tuition, living expenses… all come out of this church somehow. And, I think the congregation is frustrated with them, too.

On about 10 different occasions we have joked about them, as one naturally would, and they would show up moments later. Restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, other states. It’s uncanny and totally creepy. Especially creepy when you can hear one or more of them before they round the corner. That’s when you run and/or hide because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck in a smalltalk loop. My mother has even been in line in front of one of them at the grocery store. He was on a rant about low fat ice cream. Apparently he was talking to the little rubber divider because she, the checker and the other two patrons were ignoring him. That’s how you have to handle them… ignore and then run away. I will repeat this until it sticks because you too may run into them.

So, one day, I ran out to run some errands. My cousin was managing the store. I come back and sure enough, this family has taken over my store. Like domestic cattle with opinions, they graze on our coffee and cookies and talk about NOTHING for hours.

My cousin is laughing uncontrollably and whispering/gesturing to me “I’ll tell you later”. Yes, this is funny.. but not that funny.

They finally leave 40 minutes later and my cousin runs to the bathroom. She opens the door to free a woman who had been hiding in the bathroom to avoid this family! FOURTY minutes she was in there just so she wouldn’t have to interact with them. So, now I know, it’s not just me…

We had a good laugh… until the next time they came in.

You have been warned.

One-by-one they come in and annoy me. How is it possible that there are this many annoying people in this suburb? Bathroom use is at an all-time high. How can I reject the sad puppy face of the pregnant or recently stomach-bypassed woman? You just can’t. I can be heartless, but that’s an all-time low.

Then, there’s the sitting duck syndrome. Trying to limit contact with someone and own a store? Think again.

A lovely family member came in today… “you are TRYING to avoid me… why are you TRYING to avoid me??!?!?” and then proceeded to tell me all about her medical problems one by one. A laundry list, as a few customers listened on. This included removing more than one article of clothing to show me a bruise or lesion. I almost saw genitals. It was terrible. In the process, she threw in a few insults about my weight including the “you look pregnant” jab. Always in season.

About an hour later, yet another family member came in…primed and ready to throw some punches. Put me behind a counter and it might as well be one of those dunking booths at the fair. They just start throwing balls at your face.

Somehow, in the middle of all that… the bitchiest woman I’ve EVER met came in to sell her dirty “shabby chic” sh** to me.

let’s go back, if you will… to our first encounter a few days ago:
M: me
B: bitc*

B: (awkwardly comes in and stands at the door holding a large framed picture with “chippy” paint to cover up the fact that it just might be old… I’m with a customer. She steps up to the counter…)”My friend frames various french art and I think you would like to buy them. They are $25.00 each.”
M: “does he do more than these?” I’m a bit intrigued, but something doesn’t feel right.
B: “Yes, but he’s in (some city far away from me) and doesn’t have a catalog”
M: “does he have pictures?”
B: “no”
M: “Ummm… how do I know what he has?”
B: “I’ll bring them to you and you buy them.” She said robotically and semi-annoyed.
M: “But, I don’t want to buy just one, we usually like to have groups of things. I plan out displays, I know what I need, and we usually like little groupings. And my partner would have to see them. If he had pictures…”
B: She totally cuts me off…”When is your partner in?”
M: “sometimes on saturdays, but I can’t be sure.”

She leaves… I think nothing more of it, I’m actually relieved. Someone who is trying to conduct business with boutique stores really should have a catalog… this notion of door-to-door “this is what I have, take it or leave it”, isn’t exactly charming or normal. Usually, there is some kind of introduction or at least the “I’m getting a divorce, do you want my wife’s lamps for $20?” I need a story. Hers wasn’t convincing me.

Today…

B: (crushing my flowers by putting the frames on our expensive flower pots while trying to open the door.) “Here are three pieces, is your partner here?” She says this as she is looking around, not making very much eye contact with me.
M: “Ummm… no… she isn’t”
B: “Well, here are 3 examples. You said you needed 3, do you want them? I can leave them here for you to show your partner.”
M: “They are pretty. I don’t feel comfortable leaving them here (Points to mess absolutely everywhere…) it’s a huge mess, I would hate to kick them or hurt them… but… again… is there any way he can get pictures or I can snap a picture?”
B: “He doesn’t have pictures and he rarely makes the same thing twice, so these could be sold if you decide you want them”
M: “How do I contact him if I want to buy them? What if I want certain colors? Does he sell them anywhere? I don’t know how to buy something I can’t see. Does he have a business card?”
B: “He doesn’t believe in marketing! You can tell me the colors and I can bring them to you.” She’s starting to get irritated and is getting louder, which is making me really nervous.
M: “Can I contact you later?” (I slide over a piece of paper and a pen)
B: “Well, you aren’t going to call me or talk to your partner, I don’t think I should give you my information” (slides paper back at me with force)
M: “excuse me?!? What?” Now shocked by her tone
B: “Honey, if you aren’t going to buy them now, you aren’t going to buy them and you have no intention of buying them.” She says in a totally condescending grandma vibe.
M: “Well, sweetie, you don’t know how to do business, do you? I can’t believe you are trying to sell things this way! Why are you even selling these things for this guy if he doesn’t have any contact information or any way to sell them? Polaroid, anything?!?” The game was getting old and boring by this point
B: “It works for everyone else!” She huffs
M: “Umm, well, it doesn’t work for me.”
B: No words… just a dirty glare as she stumbles out…
M: “Good luck!” I barked, a little snarky…
B: “Good luck to YOU, you are the only one who hasn’t bought one!”

Normally, an encounter such as this wouldn’t bother me so much. But she obviously hasn’t done business before and she seemed really desperate. I wonder if she had a prescription drug habit to support and she was pulling art off of her walls. I didn’t see her get in or out of a car, but she was lugging quite a few banged-up art pieces up and down the busy street. Usually when we get art dealers they are greasy men who wreak of cheap cologne and offer to have your babies*. The well-dressed woman was something completely new. The pieces weren’t terrible, but they were really common. The old french posters and restaurants etc. You see them everywhere… $25.00 was a tad high for the wholesale price of such a thing you can find at Cost Plus. IF I purchased one or two, it would have been out of pity, not because it was a great deal.

Ever have someone just rub you the wrong way? Disrespectful, completely un-friendly. She just got to me… in a way that I can’t describe.

After-the-fact sidenote regarding the restroom thing…
Cleaning the bathroom was something I loathed. People would do horribly messy anonymous things in there… I mean horrible. I am not equipped with a stomach that can handle biohazards. Strange colors, fecal matter in the trash can. You’d expect that in the gas station bathroom, but not the loo of a sweet little boutique. How disgusting my customers could be in the bathroom became an obsession… one which I will revisit often in my journal entries. I apologize in advance.

*Okay, I had blocked out this story but it popped into my head when I read “greasy men”.
Once, a guido-looking vendor came in selling a concentrated cleaner by the gallon. Why I got suckered in and bought a gallon is beyond me. Well, as he was putting my payment in his wallet, a condom fell out. He looked at it, looked at me, and made that face as if he was shuffling a toothpick in his mouth from one corner to the other with his tongue… you know, to show off his tongue skills. You know exactly the look I’m speaking of. And the hairs on the back of your neck just stood up, too. Doesn’t matter if you are male or female, this is the universal sign for “gross! no! eugh!”

Anywho, he picks it up… all flat and smooshed (because you know you are supposed to carry your prize-winning condom in your hot, skanky squished wallet) and shows me a picture of a little girl adjacent to the prophylactic isle. She has the same vacant stare as he does. “This is my daughter. I got her while in Hawaii selling this stuff door-to-door. I carry a rubber now because… you never know when you can be of service!”

It’s like he rode up on a white stallion! And ladies, he’s virile! He has proof!

Seriously… this isn’t the first time. I have more of these stories.

why am I so annoyed by these people? Even the ones who are my friends bug me. I spend time cleaning, displaying, labeling, wrapping and doting on their “craft” and all I get is “where is my check??” When they are being “interviewed” for the first time they are sweet as pie, “please only take what you want, price it how you want… giggle giggle” then 2 months down the line they are demanding, ignore the rules and are quite pushy to boot. “Make an appointment!” I ask over and over. Even if you are my best friend and have 2 things to log into the book… I may be with someone else, it may be a sale day, I may have gone home sick. Why can’t they call??? Then there’s one case of my good friend who is upset with me because (I think) I’m not too friendly when she comes up to the shop to put in her consignment, which is always a busy saturday afternoon. How do I convey to friends family etc that when I’m in work mode I can’t be chit-chatty unless there is absolutely nothing going on? My (family member) thinks I’m cold, a few others think I have become bitchy and “moody”.

I think I should go to their place of business, pull up a chair and while they are typing or talking on the phone I should just explain, in detail, the patterns of my menstrual cycle, I’m sure they’d be all ears.

do this: although you may ruffle a few feathers, say no to the crap carrying nomads who wander in unannounced. Be sweet, be stern, lie… set up some rules. argh! Dickens Carolers?!?! Who buys those??? is it because I’m younger that they think they can get away with that or are they just pushy by nature? you down with OPC (other people’s crap)… ya, you know me! I think I’ll post that on a wall in cursive glittery guilded writing. (It’s my journal… I can be corny if I want to).