Downward Spiral…

I’m spinning out of control. My anger is raging up inside of me and I just want to yell at everyone today. These customers, friends wandering in to “chit chat”. Can’t they see the boxes everywhere? Can’t they see the “SALE” going on? Can’t they see that the party is this saturday and this place is disheveled? Why do they ask for change? Why do their kids have the smallest bladders on the planet? Why do you think I’d want to wrap an item you got somewhere else for free? Why would i want to give you free advice on dog training, home decorating, gift giving, planning a wedding shower, how to deal with your in-laws or what to get an 80 year old woman who has everything and you want to spend $6.00 but it has to be super sentimental??

Is it my face? My chapped cracking lips that hurt? My lazy ponytail? WHAT?

I want to be left alone… I want to do something for me. I want some money to afford a new pair of pants or a massage. I want to have something tangible to show for the last 4 years of my sweat and tears.

plus: I found out more about myself and what I can tolerate and how to say no to people.

minus: I’m 55K in debt, I’m overweight and I’m pissed off all the time.

So… what now? What do I do? Who do I work for? start a wholesale line? do construction? what?!? I’m sick of customer service, I’m sick of these women… I hate people and their constant wants. If I get one more email from someone wanting something even slightly unreasonable, I’m going to throw a FIT. I don’t have a customer service department and I’m only one person.

Why can’t they be decent? tacky, obnoxious, sad people. At least lately… or it’s my attitude.

I don’t want to think about this or be proper… I’m just venting… I’m SO tired and irritated and my body just hurts. I’m eating poorly lately. Too much salt, fat, booze and caffeine and getting so little sleep… and every waking moment is spent on the store or cleaning up at home. All for other people. All of whom just want more and more… want to suck me dry until I have nothing to give.

I hate open houses and events now. They come, eat your food, want free shit and leave. Everyone who attends is a freeloader and not someone you want to actually GIVE something nice to… all the scum who search out free shit and just sponge…

I want this to all stop. Every sound, every itch… I’m so dry, hungry… tired…my eyes burn. sneezing…. then the toilet breaks. Then someone is in here loudly talking on their cell phone about home repairs. And I just want clean clothes. A bra that fits. 20 lbs off my being. heavy, smothered, overwhelmed, disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed… tired. Just so tired. No support, no love. No pats on the back, no “let me get your car washed for you and save you some time!”. Nothing. Everyone wants something from me. All the f-ing time. take take take, not good enough, take more, take take take. (I’m starting to sound like a crazy guest on Oprah).

The fleeing feeling is coming again. Liquidate everything… move somewhere and live on ramen and koolaid. Quiet. Alone. Soft. Cool. Breezy. Quiet.

I can usually handle chaos (you sure about that?) but today… I’m currently wet from fixing the plumbing, a/c isn’t working, spilled a soda, trash and shit everywhere… just surrounded by total chaos. Maybe there’s PMS in the air?

okay… with that said… out onto the floor to clean. one day until the party. hope I can make it