There is a family who dwells in this suburb. We have learned never to say their name because if you do, they’ll show up. It’s like Harry Potter and the Voldemort thing.

It’s very hard to explain just why they are so annoying. They remind me of Grimace, the large purple gumdrop-looking dopey mcdonald’s character. After looking it up on Wikipedia, it sort of suits them perfectly:

Grimace is a large, purple anthropomorphic being of the “wumpus” species with short arms and legs. One alternative theory is that Grimace is a large, walking, talking taste-bud[citation needed]. He is known for his slow-witted demeanor. His most common expression is the word “duh”. He was referred to as Ronald’s autistic friend on an episode of Family Guy. Originally, Grimace was the “Evil Grimace”, with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the “good guys”, and his number of arms was reduced by two. Commercials and merchandise generally portrayed him as a well-meaning simpleton, whose clumsy antics provided a comic foil to Ronald McDonald. The character was retained after the streamlining of the characters in the ’80s.

Is it their lack of personal space? The sheer size of the entire group? The lack of a sound or opinion filter? The fact that the adults take out credit cards in their teenagers’ names and max them out? The fact that they have latched onto a local church and get all of their needs from the church goers? Rent, jobs, tuition, living expenses… all come out of this church somehow. And, I think the congregation is frustrated with them, too.

On about 10 different occasions we have joked about them, as one naturally would, and they would show up moments later. Restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, other states. It’s uncanny and totally creepy. Especially creepy when you can hear one or more of them before they round the corner. That’s when you run and/or hide because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck in a smalltalk loop. My mother has even been in line in front of one of them at the grocery store. He was on a rant about low fat ice cream. Apparently he was talking to the little rubber divider because she, the checker and the other two patrons were ignoring him. That’s how you have to handle them… ignore and then run away. I will repeat this until it sticks because you too may run into them.

So, one day, I ran out to run some errands. My cousin was managing the store. I come back and sure enough, this family has taken over my store. Like domestic cattle with opinions, they graze on our coffee and cookies and talk about NOTHING for hours.

My cousin is laughing uncontrollably and whispering/gesturing to me “I’ll tell you later”. Yes, this is funny.. but not that funny.

They finally leave 40 minutes later and my cousin runs to the bathroom. She opens the door to free a woman who had been hiding in the bathroom to avoid this family! FOURTY minutes she was in there just so she wouldn’t have to interact with them. So, now I know, it’s not just me…

We had a good laugh… until the next time they came in.

You have been warned.