The guiltless “no”

“No” is one of the hardest words for women to say in the entire English language. We feel good when we say “yes”, but it’s not always realistic or possible. If you have difficulty saying “no”, you’ll need to learn various strategies for increasing your comfort with this very important word. It’s a word that will advance your career, keep your personal life sane, and provide a wealth of self-esteem to any woman’s self image.

As we look at the inherent nature of females, we find a natural desire to connect with others. Women are natural born pleasers. This may partially be a genetic or “wired in” survival instinct. Since women are the ones to give birth, they must stay clearly focused on the infant’s needs in order for that infant to survive. Now, add to this biological predisposition to nurture others, a cultural push to please.

There is no societal permission for females to set limits on the amount they give. It is understandable that women have difficulty setting boundaries and saying, “No”. Psychologist, Kevin Leman, called this the “Avis Complex”—a term for women who always “Try harder” no matter what the odds.

We all need to know when and how to say the word, “No.” However, due to early childhood messages, females in general have greater difficulty using this word than most males. Traditionally, women have been reared to be accommodating and helpful to others. The word “No” seems to defy this early childhood training. Because most young girls haven’t had permission to use of the word “no” while growing up, they feel awkward with the word on their tongue. When something is forbidden, it frequently takes on a hidden power or mystique. Today, women seem confused and frightened by the power of this small word. Sometimes, women are unclear on the meaning of the word. That is, women wonder if saying “no” is rude, mean, or uncaring. Just because someone doesn’t want to be told “no” doesn’t make it a bad thing to say.

Women must realize that their earliest sense of self was organized around being able to maintain affiliations and relationships and to nurture others. Hence, when they engage in behaviors that could possibly disrupt these connections (i.e. saying “No,” asserting one’s differences, etc.) they enter an emotional area of extreme anxiety.

In the book, Toward a New Psychology of Women, J.B. Miller defined this anxiety as akin to loosing one’s self. Women have been socialized to sacrifice large parts of themselves to meet their affiliation needs and obligations. A woman’s personal growth is stymied when she comes to believe she is doing something wrong if it isn’t for someone else’s benefit. To do for herself raises false guilt that stops her dead in her tracks. Hence, by focusing on other’s needs, she loses her own inner barometer. It is this very barometer that defines one’s sense of self.

By adulthood, many women feel crippled when confronted with situations requiring a strong “No” in response to another person’s
unrealistic demands and requests. While uncomfortable to go against one’s genetic and cultural grain, it is essential to develop this assertive skill. The only way to become comfortable with any new behavior is to practice using it. By learning to say “no” in an assertive manner, women can avoid feeling chronically guilty. After all, guilt is only appropriate if you say “no” in an aggressive manner. No is not a dirty word.

Having received little opportunity or cultural permission to say “no,” women frequently need guidelines for using the word. Here are some key pointers for practicing and skill building:

When you say no, try not to justify your response to others. People will sense you’re unsure of yourself and will begin pressuring you to change your mind.  If you must give a reason for saying “no”, give only the primary reason rather than numerous weak reasons. Again, people will begin attacking your weakest reason, causing you to lose confidence in your right to say “no”.

Once you’ve said “no” and others have questioned you or pressured you to change your mind, the best strategy is to sound
like a broken record, repeating your message again and again. Eventually, they will have nothing to argue with, as you remain clear.

Keep your negative emotions under control when you say, No. If your non-verbal message (i.e. voice tone, body language, etc.) says, “I’m unsure about myself,” others will push you to change your mind. Talk in a matter-of-fact voice tone, even though you may be feelings nervous or upset with the other person.

Give yourself permission to say “no” simply because your own priorities must come first sometimes. This isn’t being selfish. It is caring for yourself. There is a big difference between these two attitudes. When you care for yourself, you choose to honor your needs, wishes, and priorities in a way that doesn’t leave you open to the “beck and call” of others. In contrast, when you’re being selfish, you looking out for yourself at the expense of others.

Expect to get a positive reaction to your limit setting behavior. We tend to get from others what we expect or believe we deserve to get.
In addition to saying “no,” be sure to ask for what you want. Too often, women forget this very important rule. If you don’t ask for your needs to be met, others will lose respect for you.
The inherent rewards for saying “no” and sticking to it are usually delayed in time. That is, people are not likely to initially appreciate your change in behavior. They may react with anger, disbelief, retaliation, and so forth. However, over time you’ll begin to feel the positive repercussions of being assertive when you notice others acting with more respect toward you. All good relationships have at their basis, mutual respect. Aretha Franklin’s song, R E S P E C T, tells it like it is.

In the context of business, women are often frightened to set clear
boundaries or turn down other’s requests of them. The word “No,”
is the strongest boundary setter of all. Most professional women
understand the logical reasons behind the need to use these assertive skills, yet they still have difficulty implementing them. Strong emotional issues can cloud their thinking.

Sometimes, fear is the emotional block that stops a woman from
setting a firm boundary at work. Various fears might include:

the fear of appearing uncooperative (not a team player)
the fear of appearing incompetent to handle as much as one should
the fear of not carrying your share of the work load
the fear of displeasing others
the fear of disappointing an authority figure
the fear of not meeting others’ expectations, etc.

Ultimately, these fears link back to the root fear of being rejected and abandoned by or disconnected from others. The overwhelming need to please is like an addiction, with the goal of receiving approval from everyone, a powerful and demanding stimulant.

As women advance up the professional ladder, they are often confronted with the lone male shark near the top of the hierarchy.
Sharks are focused, goal-oriented, and intent on getting and keeping “the best to be had”. Sharks are often lean, mean, killing machines.

Women at the upper levels are more analogous to dolphins. They are intelligent, sensitive, and like to work in cooperative groups. One might wonder if a dolphin can survive a shark attack? The answer is yes. The less aggressive dolphin can defeat a lone shark by using their cooperative group behavior to defeat and survive.

This metaphor carries a powerful and important message for the woman who is advancing toward the top of her profession.
Furthermore, as companies downsize and decentralize their operations to compete in a fast-paced global market, the lone shark model of management becomes obsolete. People at all levels must be given power to respond creatively and rapidly to the changing market place.

A company cannot be responsive to customer needs if a top-down decision making process is relied on. Dolphins are well equipped for this new empowering style of doing business: sleek and fast, customer oriented and cooperative. The dolphin manager can be both assertive and retain their pleasing personality.

A Carnegie study made an interesting finding to support the dolphin’s future success in business. For men and women alike,
success in business depends only 20% on technical skills and competency. The other 80% of success depends on the individual’s positive personality. So never believe you must act like an aggressive shark to succeed in the marketplace. People like doing business with pleasant people.

In summary, once you’ve developed the ability to say “no” to others, you will have also gained the ability to say “yes” to yourself. As your behavior changes, you’ll discover your personal barometer and feel more in control of your life. And remember, a pleasing personality is not the same as needing to please. You can only please and respect others when you please and respect yourself.

Isn’t it time to say “yes” to “no.”?

Also….

Hooked on Pleasing

by Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.

Are you hooked on pleasing others at your own expense? Are you the perennial nice person who wears a public “happy face” to conceal your own displeasure with others? Do you give yourself to others, sometimes to a fault? Do you avoid confrontations and conflict at all costs? Do you need everyone to like you? If so, you probably fit the profile of the typical “people pleaser.” You might wonder, “Why should I worry; others seem happy with my style?” In this article I’ll examine why it is a dangerous myth to believe that “people pleasing” is a benign approach to people and life.

After being a guest on the Oprah show, psychologist, Dr. Harriet Braiker, was encouraged by Oprah to write a book describing this common, destructive psychological problem of people pleasing. In 2001, The Disease to Please was published. The book detailed the various causes of obsessive “people pleasing” and how to take positive steps to rid oneself of this disease. Dr. Braiker points out that this style of relating is particularly difficult to change because those who suffer from it truly believe that by fulfilling other’s expectations, she can prevent other’s rejection or anger toward her. She rationalizes that her behavior is motivated by a desire to avoid hurting other people’s feelings. This belief system helps maintain this exhausting habit.

Let’s look at a typical people pleaser, we’ll call Jane. Jane has been married to George for 15 years and a pattern has developed in their relationship. George plays golf every Saturday morning during decent weather. In the winter months, George plays poker with the guys on Friday nights. Jane works in merchandising for a large department store and takes care of their two children who are very involved in sports. Jane brags to her friends that George is a very social guy who has a lot of talents. While she’d like him to be available to go out on the weekends with her, she tells herself he has a stressful job as an air traffic controller and needs time to unwind with the guys. George says his wife is an angel and his buddies envy their relationship. Since she never complains, George is totally surprised when Jane finally confesses she feels tired, unhappy, and unmotivated.

Jane has sought therapy for herself because she feels depressed and irritable. She believes she should be happy with all that George provides (i.e. a $300,000 home, luxury car, etc.) and wonders what is wrong with her. On the surface, the people pleaser looks like a nice person who is just going overboard attempting to make everyone happy. But, the people pleaser constantly struggles with where, when, and how to draw the line between her own desires and the demands of others. What she doesn’t understand, however, is that she is causing serious damage to herself, others, and to those relationships that mean the most to her. She is acting dishonest with herself and others, by not giving herself permission to speak from her core. She is saying “Yes” when she truly wants to say “NO.”

People pleasers are camouflaging themselves behind the cover of chronic “niceness,” out of a debilitating fear of others anger, confrontation, and rejection. These underlying fears drive the pleaser’s addiction to receiving approval from others. Most of these fears are rooted in childhood experiences of feeling devastated by rejection and anger from significant others.

Recovery

The road to recovery from chronic people pleasing involves examining all aspects of yourself: your thoughts, feelings, motives, and behavior. The book, The Disease to Please, describes the disease triangle and helps you work toward changing your destructive habit in a routine and concise manner. You’ll discover how to establish a balanced way of living that allows you to still consider others, but within the context of your own needs.

Recovery involves placing your own needs first and gaining your own approval, rather than the approval of others. Your health and happiness will depend upon your willingness to get back in touch with your inner being and to express this self-awareness through your behavior in the world. Of course, these changes will impact the people who live with you, but ultimately, a more honest, open, and intimate relationship will have a chance to develop and grow.

After The Disease to Please was published, Dr. Braiker told The Times: “The issue is not to be so driven and compulsive about using every moment. You can’t possibly keep up. People tell themselves, ‘I’ll relax after I’ve finished everything I have to do. They tell themselves that downtime is a luxury after you finish. That’s a wrongheaded way. Downtime is what’s important to do.” In essence, Dr. Braiker was pointing out the chronic level of self-pressure and self-imposed demands that the people pleaser places upon herself and her inability to relax.

Trying to compulsively please others is like the donkey that chases the carrot hanging from a rope in front of his nose, barely out of reach. Just like the donkey, the people pleaser presses forward without any real satisfaction associated with her efforts. I’ve seen these sufferers finally stop chasing the proverbial carrot when they finally realize they’ve created an internal myth that they’ve been chasing forever. Then, and only then, do they stop motivating themselves with internal talk that “promises” something better in their future “if only they try enough or try harder.” When you stop saying to yourself, for instance, “I’ll finally feel secure in my marriage if I just make him feel happy,” you can then focus on your own feelings (“Am I happy in this relationship? What do I need to feel fulfilled? etc.). Once we’re in touch with our own genuine needs, then we can truly relate to another individual in a satisfying and intimate manner.

According to Dr. Braiker, “self acceptance is about being on your side—being your own ally, best friend and cheerleader. It involves being friendly to your emotions, your struggles, your goals, dreams and aspirations.” Seems to me that a dose of “self pleasing” might be just the proper antidote to this disease to compulsively please others.

Also…

Procrastination

by Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.

The word “procrastination” sounds like a dirty word to some people. But, who amongst us hasn’t done it on occasion? That’s understandable—we’ve all put off doing some things we should be doing. Yet, there are some people who are habitual procrastinators who’ve suffered from numerous missed opportunities in their lives, such as failing to graduate from college or being overlooked for a career advancement. Procrastination leads to major life disappointments, so why do some people become chronic procrastinators? Let’s consider why people do it and how they can overcome this negative habit. Come to think of it, if you’re a procrastinator, you can always read this article at a later time!

Procrastination is simply defined as a habitual tendency to postpone some action or task that you need to do or should accomplish. Most people who identify themselves as chronic procrastinators have a habit of avoiding difficult situations. Let’s examine some of the reasons that cause people to procrastinate.

Reasons for Procrastination

Fear and Anxiety: Procrastination is often triggered by the fear and anxiety that you anticipate if you don’t accomplish a particular task. Yet, when you procrastinate, you actually spend more time and energy worrying about the dreaded negative outcome, than it would actually take to accomplish your task.

Fear of Failure: Avoidance is triggered by an internal fear such as, “What if I can’t handle the task?” or “What if I fail at it?” Somehow, procrastinators believe that it is better to avoid than to try and face the possibility of failing. Of course, the only real failure in life is the failure to try.

The task is boring: None of us enjoy being bored, but the procrastinator behaves as if boredom were a feeling worse than death! Some times boredom comes from not wanting to deal with the routine “details” that must be done to complete a complex task. This is a common problem for people who suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).

Unsure how/where to start: When a task or project is so big and overwhelming, procrastination can function as a way to avoid making “the wrong decision.” These people are chronic “worriers,” who are always wondering, “what if…” This form of worrying can lead to paralysis.
Perfectionism: Some people believe procrastinators are simply lazy. Yet, many times, they are afraid that they won’t be able to do something perfect. This drive for perfection is what causes them to simply avoid and “not do the task at all.”

Negative Beliefs: Negative thoughts such as, “ I can’t do this,” are oftentimes behind the procrastinator’s refusal to start a task or project. Negative self-beliefs create negative feelings of fear and anxiety that inhibit one’s motivation to take action. When self-confidence is low, we are less likely to push ourselves to attack a difficult project.

Defiant personality style: Some people’s procrastination is fueled by their difficulty with authority figures. These people resent and resist doing tasks that they’re expected or suppose to do.
Need for a Crisis: These procrastinators love living on the edge. They engage in the classic brinkmanship style of only getting motivated at the absolute last minute. These are adrenaline junkies who believe they function best under pressure.
Over doers are the type of procrastinator who has too much on their plate, doesn’t prioritize well, and thus, has difficulty getting it all done.

Effective Solutions

1. Divide and conquer: Break the task or project down into small, concrete, specific steps. Complete one step at a time. Success will build upon success, no matter how small.

2. Make Lists: Mark off each task you’ve completed. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment each time you cross off something that is completed.

3. Acknowledge your fear: Take 10 minutes each morning to actually acknowledge and experience your paralyzing fear of not beginning or completing a project. Journal about your fear, or talk with a trusted friend about it. Then imagine placing your fear in a safe place and launch into the first step of completing the dreaded task.

4. Develop a personal reward system: Permit yourself to do something you really enjoy ONLY after you’ve completed a manageable portion of a task/project. Example: I will write this paper, and then I will go to a restaurant for lunch. The pull of an instant gratification will help push you towards a successful completion of the task/project.

5. Evaluate if the task is crucial: Ask yourself, “Must this task/ project be done?” as well as, “what if I don’t do this project? What is the likely outcome?”

6. Assess your options: For instance, if you don’t like the task you’re suppose to do, determine if you can swap the task with a co-worker, spouse, friend, etc. We don’t have to like everything that we do, but sometimes, what we personally dislike, someone else might prefer.

In addition to the above suggestions, I believe Nike has offered the best advice, yet: “Just Do It!” As many procrastinators know, the worse agony comes from knowing that you are not addressing a crucial task. Once you’ve convinced yourself to go ahead and tackle the task, you’ll probably notice that the bulk of your anxiety diminishes.